The self in Almost a Woman

            I loved Almost a Woman by Esmeralda Santiago. It was felt very honest and true. Santiago’s ability to tell the mundane minute details of a person’s life weaved together so expertly made for a very enjoyable read. I very much enjoyed the fact each chapter, started with a quote and I found myself searching the pages of each chapter looking for the lesson or punchline that was coming with it. My favorite being the chapter titled “I don’t care if the whole world is going.” I truly believed this was another moment when Esmeralda pushed the boundaries between being “American” and “Puerto Rican.” When it turned out to go even further up the matriarchal food chain I marveled at Santiago’s ability to show the mother acting just as the daughter. It created a bond for me as a reader that was intensely strong.

           One of the things I followed while reading this text was the effect that moving had on the self. Esmeralda and her family moved a lot and with moving one has the chance to reinvent oneself or is forced to find the self that fits into the new environment. Because of this Esmeralda has trouble with the self. One of the first times we see this happens on page  83 “My secret life was in my head, lived at night before I fell asleep, when I became someone else. In my secret life I wasn’t Esmeralda Santiago, not Negi, not a scared Puerto Rican girl, but a confident, powerful woman whose named changed as I tried to form the perfect me. Esme, I was once. Emme, another time. Emeraude, my French class name. I tried Shirley, Sheila, Lenore, but names not based on my own didn’t sound quite right. So I was Emma, Ralda, or just plain E.” Here we see something that happens time and again. Esmeralda wanting to be someone else, to reinvent herself, but at the same time not straying too far from who she is, “names not based on my own didn’t sound quite right.”

              This want to be alone and the fear of it is seen later on page 106, “Whenever I so much considered going against her wishes, a little voice went off in my head to remind me that between her and the rest of the world was nothing but hostile eyes and low expectations….if I didn’t have Mami, id’ be alone. and at seventeen, I didn’t want to be alone.”

            The fracturing of the self and Esmeralda’s ablity and need to live in completely different world does have its tolls as seen on page 169, “I wiped off my makeup, then stripped. Esmeralda Santiago remained in the folds of each garment I took off and put away. Naked, nameless, I lay on my bed and slept. Half an hour later, Negi emerged, dressed in the comfortable clothes I wore at home. Another performance was about to begin, this on in Spanish.” This scene is so telling because it shows the true nature of her situation. She is never herself. In public she is acting, in school she is acting, at home she is acting. The constant movement and necessity of being in two places at once fractured Esmeralda’s self to the point where she almost doesn’t have one.

Best,

CF Pinto

Santiago Stradling Polarities

Esmeralda Santiago's Almost a Woman is aptly named as it chronicles her collection of almost-identities. In it she is almost Puerto Rican and almost American, almost an adult and yet still a child, excited by her body's potential when dancing in clubs and in school, while also deeply fearful of its sensuality and of seeming indecent. She is both the vital link between her family and the English world of the welfare office, and a 'traitor' to her native tongue as she practices vowels to erase her accent. The book captures her constant struggle to navigate the nebulous boundaries of her multiple selves. 

Santiago is constantly inhabiting contradiction. This book is crafted so that we may inhabit this muddled middle-ground where we feel what it means to be stuck in the in-between. As the story progresses and the narrator grows older, we are consistently confronted with new instances of this feeling so as to emphasize its ever-presence in her journey to understand herself. Santiago's narrative voice is extremely earnest. It does not stand at a distance from the reader, but is rather willing to show us those spaces within herself where she is least comfortable and least resolved. 

She questions the appropriate expression of sexuality and wonders how to manage just the right mix of two extremes she is warned not to be:

"There was a midpoint between a puta and a pendeja that I was trying to figure out, a safe space in which decent women lived and thrived and raised their families...One false move, and I ran the risk of becoming one or being perceived as the other"(15). 

She grapples with how to be faithful to her home country while living/surviving in her adopted one:

"Mami made it clear that although we lived in the United States, we were to remain 100 percent Puerto Rican. The problem was that it was hard to tell where Puerto Rican ended and Americanized began"(25). 

She wrestles with a racial identity at the center of two extremes that is never simply read by others:

"I wasn't black, I wasn't white. The racial middle in which I existed meant that people evaluated me on the spot"(242).

We (the readers) grasp the weight of these dualities on young Negi when she invites us into her "secret life"of imagined in dreams where she is blissfully absolved of her duty to constantly straddle these polarities. In it she has no particular identity,  her skin is "no particular color," and she speaks  "every language in the world" so that she is "never confused". To young Negi, this lack of confusion, represents a huge relief from the burden of her every day life where she is tasked with somehow rising above her current circumstances while never abandoning her roots. 

Otherizing Esmeralda: Enough of the Cleopatra roles!

The tension between mother and Americanization was interesting in Almost a Woman. Esmeralda is seemingly destined to disappoint/betray her mother when her family moves to the United States. To remain safe from peers and gross men on transportation, Esmeralda must learn how to blend in with the crowd, which means in part to learn English and to dress like the other girls at school. With help from her brothers and sisters, Esmeralda learns to speak English and is able to get into a fancy performing arts high school, but still her mother refuses to allow her to dress like American girls. Her mother believes that American girls wear too little clothing and their freedom puts them at risk to be murdered. Ironically, Esmeralda is way more likely to be victimized just by being an outsider (like riding on the bus alone). Just the color of her skin makes her a target because the men who violate her are confident that she has very little resources just by looking at her.

At the performing arts high school, I thought it was very telling that Esmeralda was only cast as Cleopatra. There are so many instances in this memoir when Esmeralda is otherized/rejected by the people around her. Her mother thinks she is becoming too American. Her siblings have trouble understanding how depend their mother is on Esmeralda--they wouldn't eat if Esmeralda didn't learn English so she could talk to the social workers. The kids at school think she thinks she's too good; they beat her up and terrorize her because she wouldn't be attending the same vocational school as them. Later, Avery seems to view her as more exotic than a fully realized person. I wish Santiago had focused more on the narrator's confusion concerning her lack of belonging. Esmeralda seems to remain grounded despite all the changes in her life, which might just be because of her close kit family, but I imagined a character under so much pressure would crack more. I'm not saying that Santiago doesn't address this, but I thought there was something emotional lacking in her tale.

The way Santiago ended chapters was very interesting. She has the ability to sum up/frame the chapter in a way that really brings home why she chose to write these scenes. For an example, on pg. 58, she writes, "In Puerto Rico I didn't know they were in reach. But in Brooklyn everyday was filled with want, even though Mami made sure we had everything we needed. Yes, I had changed. And it wasn't for the better. Every time Mami said I had changed, it was because I had done something wrong. . . . When she said I had changed, she meant I was becoming Americanized, that I thought I deserved more and was better than everyone else, better than her." In the chapter, Santiago writes about Esmeralda buying a yellow dress and refusing to consider her mother's more conservative choices. She is graduating from junior high school and is about to attend the performing arts high school, which is mentally and symbolically distancing her from her mother/family. And I think Santiago does a terrific job at cutting right to the heart of the conflict: Mami is uncomfortable because Esmeralda is not growing up to be like her. Yes, Mami wants a better life for her children, but she wants that better life on her terms, not theirs. And Esmeralda dressing like American girls and becoming an actress who must wear tight fitting clothing on stage is not what Mami had in mind for Esmeralda. Also, this is the beginning of Mami losing control over Esmeralda; it's extremely hard to control a child who lives in a world completely foreign to you. Mami can't control Esmeralda, and therefore she can't protect her. And that's an extremely terrifying thing for a protective parent.

Esmeralda's Puerto Rican Identity: What It Means to Others

Esmeralda Santiago's Almost A Woman tackles several aspects of Santiago's identity, including her conflicting identities as Puerto Rican and American. Outside parties influence Santiago's perception of her dual identity, such as her family and the racism that she experiences in both her personal and academic lives. I was invested in her story and journey to find herself from the beginning to the end.

The conflict between Santiago's identities comes to light in different ways. There are times where she is "othered" for being Puerto Rican, but is also "othered" because she is not Puerto Rican enough in the eyes of people. One example would be when Santiago believes she has a major role in a film, but finds out she isn't what they were looking for. Not because of talent, but because in the eyes of Mr. Jeffers, Santiago is not the image of Puerto Rican they want to represent. He states that "the other girls looks more Puerto Rican" and that Santiago "-just [doesn't] have the look" (Santiago 151). Santiago is "othered" in both that she is Puerto Rican and that she is not Puerto Rican enough for people. This is based off of stereotypes about Puerto Ricans and Santiago does not fit into the model Puerto Rican that Americans have an image of.

Santiago is seen as "an other" in the eyes of many, both outside and inside her family. In her family, she is often described as losing sight of her roots and her family in order to become more American, but alternatively, her peers and people outside her family describe her as being exotic and "not like American girls". Santiago's experiences with her romantic partners exoticizing her identity varies, as some idealize her because she is not as forward as American girls while others are attracted to her because they see her as a stereotypical "fiery Puerto Rican" girl. Santiago is constantly compared to American girls, often in a negative light. Her family views her becoming Americanized as a negative thing, but her romantic partners view the American girls they are comparing Santiago to as bad people.

An example of Santiago's identity being compared to American girls would be when Santiago is embarrassed that her mother and Don Carlos came to the party to check up on her, and Otto found that attitude refreshing- because it showed him that Santiago was not as independent as American girls. " 'It is good...You are not American girl. They are very free' " (189), and the idea of women being "free" was a negative thing for Otto. Santiago's lack of independence from her family is seen as a good thing to Otto, because he sees that lack of independence as something that can also be associated with him. It also can be connected to the stereotypes surrounding dating women of color that white men often uphold. Otto sees Santiago as someone who needs to be protected and who would listen to him more than American girls, who-one can assume-were more likely to be independent and have more experience.

On the flip side, Santiago also experiences one of her romantic interests basing his ideal image and their relationship on stereotypical exotification. In her brief relationship with the Texan, Avery Lee, Santiago experiences the overt sexualization of her identity, based on the racism and stereotypes that exist in Avery's mind. Santiago states that Avery only wanted her as a mistress, because in Avery's own words, "it wouldn't look right...for me to have a Spanish wife" (247). Avery's reluctance to be with Santiago in a public relationship reflects the racist stigma surrounding women of color, and also contrasts with how Otto viewed Santiago in regards to their relationship. Otto views American women as too independent to date, but Santiago's "good girl" identity is acceptable for him. In contrast, Avery thinks about Santiago's Puerto Rican identity as something exotic and "fiery", and in Santiago's own words "-good enough to sleep with but not good enough to marry" (249). In Avery calling Santiago "Spanish", he is also generalizing her identity because she speaks Spanish and does not even care even to recognize her individuality and her actual cultural identity, instead once more falling to stereotypes and painting a picture of her based on those stereotypes.

Best,
Dani

Upward Mobility

I just want to preface this saying I had a super busy weekend and haven’t made it all the way through the book so this is just my analysis based off the first half.

The upward mobility theme in Almost a Woman shows the complicated dynamics that are operating between Santiago’s two identities. Her Puerto Rican side feels ashamed at her desire to become something larger and break out of the ‘lower class’ she has always been a part of and yet her new American side knows she wants these things.

When Santiago decides she wants to attend Performing Arts School her family is initially not very supportive, her mother doesn’t see the point when she could go to a Vocational school and get a good job. Her mother warms up to the idea buying her an audition outfit and supporting her but all the while there is a lingering atmosphere of her mother thinking young Esmeralda is trying to go beyond her place. On page 57 Santiago says ‘When Mami accused me of wanting to go to school for blanquitos, she guessed that most of the people at Performing Arts would be white and, therefore, ricer than we were.’ Her mother is implying that she has changed and is becoming to ‘Americanized’ which Santiago interprets as a bad thing. Santiago feels guilty about her wants to better herself because her mother, an extension of her culture, sees this as a negative that she is forgetting her place where she came from and is succumbing to American ideals. Santaigo states ‘The implication that I was reaching higher than I ought to by going to Performing Arts stung. . .’(58) but that she couldn’t argue because it would only contribute more to this image of her ‘changing’ becoming more independent and talking back. What is obvious, however, is that even though Santiago is hurt by these implications she reveals that she does, in fact, want a different life for herself. She wants ‘[her] own bed in [her] own room’ and ‘books without a date due’ she wants ‘pretty clothes’ and ‘[her] own radio’ she knows she really does want these things and is ashamed of this fact but also resigned that she cannot change what she desires and her mother shouldn’t expect her to.

The conflicting feelings about her want to move upward manifest at school as well in both a positive and negative light. The group of girls Lulu, LuzMari, and Violeta taunt her when it becomes know she is auditioning for Performing arts asking ‘You think you’re better than us?’ and ‘Eli Whitney not good enough for you’ (37). This group contributes to Santiago’s sense that wanting to move up in the world is a negative thing, something for people who ‘think [their] white’ in other words who think they are better than everyone else. Though Santiago attempts to brush them off their words, along with her mother’s contribute to her guilty feelings. Now in contrast Santiago’s teacher Mr. Barone encourages her to apply for this school and keeps her motivated helping her out and spreading the word of her success when she gets in. He supports her dream to reach her full potential. It fills her with pride that someone believes in her and when he announces her acceptance over the loudspeaker she says ‘I was embarrassed and pleased at the same time’ (46). In this moment of achievement she may be embarrassed at the fuss made over her but her guilt is all but gone and she is filled with happiness.

Overall I think young Esmeralda is waging a battle between her ancestry and where she thinks she should be and the person she wants to be. I believe though, through all her wants for a more ‘American’ life she never loses her sense of home, she still wants to go back to Puerto Rico and still feels guilty about changing. She may still choose to go to the Performing School but she never loses sight of where she came from and all the people who are helping to make her who she is. 

Framing of 'Almost a Woman' by Esmeralda Santiago

I thought one thing that was interesting about this text was the framing of each chapter with a quote.  One theme throughout the memoir is the young Esmeralda navigating the (often contradictory) rules and advice for how to succeed as a woman, as an American and as a Puerto Rican. She clearly creates her own identity, but it is against this backdrop of other people responding to her choices. Reading the table of contents is like a chorus of voices drifting from memory--it feels like Santiago is collecting her essential relationships of that time and recalling their voices.

In structuring her memoir with the reactions of others, Santiago gives her coming-of-age story depth and context. She reveals the different lenses that view her as a daughter, a big sister, a young woman, economically 'disadvantaged, a lover, a Puerto Rican, an American, etc. in describing her relationships with friends, family, co-workers, and men throughout her memoir. The fact that she chose to frame each chapter with a quote emphasizes their significance.

Her journey of self-discovery is uniquely her own, but the impact how she is percieved shapes the construction of her identity.

The chapter "But they're still illegitimate..." (43-59)  begins with a scene at a welfare office when Esmeralda is translating for her mother. The social worker keeps repeating this phrase in a derogatory tone. The chapter is relatively long. The scene at the welfare office is followed by the death of Fransisco, reflections on her father, her acceptance into the Performing Arts High School, Natalia's abrupt departure, her fight and refuge at the candy store, shopping for a graduation dress with her mother. In naming the chapter after the phrase from the social worker, its resonance is highlighted. However, the rest of the chapter that shows the complexity of her family relationships, her dreams, social dynamics resist the stereotype the chapter begins with. She does not dwell on this interaction, but reveals it as an incident of misunderstanding and prejudice. Esmeralda's parents might not have been married, but she and her family are legitimate. The reader is able to see the offensive falseness in the one-sided view of her family, which serves as a reminder of the danger of stereotyping people we don't know.

The title of "The music inside her..." (193-210) comes from her family's reaction to her cousins Lolin and Tati, suggesting that their nonconvential marital situations were carried inside them throughout their childhoods.  The chapter begins with Esmeralda working as a phone operator, listening to the laments of lonely people calling for someone to listen. It includes: Shoshana's fall from a horse. The news that Neftali was on heroin when he died. Her uncomfortable visit to her half-sister's suburban house. The contradictory messages she got from her mother and family. All of these scenes address fate in some way--how do people end up where they are? How do people hide or wear masks? Do people carry a certain destiny inside them? The title gives an overarching theme to the situaitons in the chapter.

I really enjoyed reading this book and I think the depth and realness of the relationships made this text stand out from others that we have read. I think the chapter quote titles reveal Santiago's self-determination within a world that percieves, instructs and judges her from a vareity of angles.

correct calendar last one

10/22	Almost a woman
10/29	Graphic	Materials are sent the week before
11/5	Fun Home	Dani, Haley, Beck, Linsey
11/12	The girl who fell	Mia, Sienna, Kat
11/19	Stitches	Cynthia, Clare, Andrea
11/26	Thanks giving break	BAH humbug