I loved Almost a Woman by Esmeralda Santiago. It
was felt very honest and true. Santiago’s ability to tell the mundane minute
details of a person’s life weaved together so expertly made for a very
enjoyable read. I very much enjoyed the fact each chapter, started with a quote
and I found myself searching the pages of each chapter looking for the lesson
or punchline that was coming with it. My favorite being the chapter titled “I
don’t care if the whole world is going.” I truly believed this was another
moment when Esmeralda pushed the boundaries between being “American” and “Puerto
Rican.” When it turned out to go even further up the matriarchal food chain I marveled
at Santiago’s ability to show the mother acting just as the daughter. It
created a bond for me as a reader that was intensely strong.
One of the
things I followed while reading this text was the effect that moving had on the
self. Esmeralda and her family moved a lot and with moving one has the chance
to reinvent oneself or is forced to find the self that fits into the new environment.
Because of this Esmeralda has trouble with the self. One of the first times we
see this happens on page 83 “My secret
life was in my head, lived at night before I fell asleep, when I became someone
else. In my secret life I wasn’t Esmeralda Santiago, not Negi, not a scared
Puerto Rican girl, but a confident, powerful woman whose named changed as I tried
to form the perfect me. Esme, I was once. Emme, another time. Emeraude, my French
class name. I tried Shirley, Sheila, Lenore, but names not based on my own didn’t
sound quite right. So I was Emma, Ralda, or just plain E.” Here we see
something that happens time and again. Esmeralda wanting to be someone else, to
reinvent herself, but at the same time not straying too far from who she is, “names
not based on my own didn’t sound quite right.”
This want
to be alone and the fear of it is seen later on page 106, “Whenever I so much
considered going against her wishes, a little voice went off in my head to
remind me that between her and the rest of the world was nothing but hostile
eyes and low expectations….if I didn’t have Mami, id’ be alone. and at
seventeen, I didn’t want to be alone.”
The fracturing
of the self and Esmeralda’s ablity and need to live in completely different
world does have its tolls as seen on page 169, “I wiped off my makeup, then
stripped. Esmeralda Santiago remained in the folds of each garment I took off
and put away. Naked, nameless, I lay on my bed and slept. Half an hour later,
Negi emerged, dressed in the comfortable clothes I wore at home. Another performance
was about to begin, this on in Spanish.” This scene is so telling because it
shows the true nature of her situation. She is never herself. In public she is
acting, in school she is acting, at home she is acting. The constant movement
and necessity of being in two places at once fractured Esmeralda’s self to the
point where she almost doesn’t have one.
Best,
CF Pinto
Here's a good quote: "The constant movement and necessity of being in two places at once fractured Esmeralda’s self to the point where she almost doesn’t have one." I found her choices unbearable, but then i wasn't living her contradictions and constrictions. The fracturing left her with no identity and that she got in the same way as Mami: sex just for different purposes. It's the only way she can free herself, yet she is a bit the same.
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I'm glad other people enjoyed this book as wel! I think that not only did the physical move of apartments factor into the fracturing of identity, but also the different roles she played at home/school/work/dating. There were so many constricting views of who and what she should be--I think you uncovered some of those moments. The idea of self-discovery through her romantic relationships/lovers is interesting...
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to add that Esmeralda uses her "acting skills" in other ways in her life, for example, when she has to translate/talk with the cop and lie where her family lives because they were being too noisy in a wealthier residential neighborhood. She is able to act her way through situations that require a sort of bravery and wit. The last quote you mentioned on page 169 attunes to the fact that she is living two different lives; one with her family and Mami (the clear head of the household) and one at school or at work with "American" kids as the novel progresses. She deals with this "double identity" by being bilingual and both American and Puerto Rican at the same exact time.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. She does seem to be lacking a true-self. That's the thing that is both compelling and frustrating about this book. It's hard to know who the narrator is or has decided to be. We see all these instances of how her identity is prodded or broken by various factors but we don't get resolution. I don't get the sense that she's withholding it either. I think she truly hasn't figured it out yet (at the time of writing this book). The ending left me a little empty because I got the sense that nothing was really about to change for her or her way of seeing herself. She was still caught up in a constant state of longing something that didn't fully exist.
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